classicrocknight

Wabs of Doom!

Ahoy Minions of Rock!

In terms of the production of actual music, the progress of ÜMLAÜT! cannot be charted. In that there has been none. However, in conceptual terms, we’ve come on in leaps and bounds.

That is to say, we’ve thought of some names for band members. The second guitarist is to be Baron Überfist. I am to be Jürgen Greysküll, and Pete is Wölfgang PümmelHammer. The forename ‘Jürgen’ is our one concession to Donna having any kind of input thus far. We are saving the best name for Tom, the singer. Being a beardy longhair, he already has the look down. We don’t want to rush into a half-baked name for him… It has to be just right.

On Saturday night, admittedly after a couple of jars of ale, Pete had a splendid idea for an album cover. A pair of breasts! With umlauts tattooed over the nipples! We gave Donna first refusal for being the model of said wabs, but she politely declined. Any hope of changing her mind was obliterated when it was suggested that the album title could be ‘written’ across the breasts in manseed.

Ok, ok – I know what you’re thinking. ‘That would be the *BEST* album cover in history!’ And you’d be right.

Although some of you might also be thinking ‘That is so far beyond tasteless and sexist that I may very well be sick out of my mouth. You – sir – are a nothing short of a monster, and are worse than the spawn of Hitler and Amy Winehouse!’ And you would also be right. But we have been run over by the fiery wheel that is Classic Rock tradition – and it crushes down on our puny frames so good! For example, observe:

Slaughter - Stick It To Ya

"Having knives thrown at me is the least I deserve. I am, after all, scantily clad."

Led Zeppelin

"Hey, what's the big deal? It's just a picture of a big, fiery balloon. No, wait... It's a cock!"

And, who could possibly forget this:

Whitesnake - Lovehunter

Although quite honestly, the boys from The Snake could have chosen a far more tasteless cover. You need only look upon the picture I have chosen to accompany today's track of the day to see what I mean:

Whitesnake - Here I Go Again

This all brings me quite nicely onto the news that Def Leppard and Whitesnake are playing a bunch of gigs in the UK. Pete and myself, among others, are going to the one in Wembley Arena on the 26th of June. If you want to join us and rock mighty, you are more than welcome - provided you grow a mullet, handlebar moustache, and wear your most faded Saxon or Dokken t-shirt. Come one, come all - it will be hilarity at its zenith.

Stay beautiful, Those Who Drink From The Goblet Of Classic Rock!

ÜMLAÜT!

Since Pete and I no longer work in the same pub, our enthusiasm for starting a Classic Rock Night seems to have dwindled a smidge. And I think that working somewhere for too long can rather sour your relationship with it. Why, after all, would you want to spend MORE time in a place you're usually desperate to get away from?

It is crucial to note, however, that our enthusiasm for Classic Rock itself has - if anything - intensified. Plus Pete has just had an electric drumkit for his birthday, which means we can jam in the house without pissing off all of our neighbours. To this end, we have decided to forge the Classic Rock band to end all Classic Rock bands - or, indeed, all bands full stop - ÜMLAÜT!

Pete shall drum, I shall play either bass or guitar (or swap duties), and we've found a chap with long hair who can sing in the Classic Rock stylee!

Our other housemate Donna is currently sulking, as we won't let her be in the band. We have pointed out to her that (a) she is disparaging about Classic Rock, which is a subideal mindset to bring to the table if you're forming a Classic Rock band; and (b) she cannot play any instruments. Plus she is in such a poody about not being in the band, that a third factor has arisen - (c) not letting her be in the band and watching her pout like a child is funny!

To exacerbate her anguish, on Saturday night we asked almost as many people as we could find if they wanted to join ÜMLAÜT! We now have someone else who is happy to swap bass and guitar duties, and somehow two fiddlers - which seems surplus to requirements. I'm sure you can make room for at least a bit of fiddle in a Classic Rock set, but possibly not two fiddles. It will be difficult to choose between the two also, as one is an attractive and alternative-looking young lady, and the other is a man with an astonishing beard. Time will tell who rocks HARDER!

In spreading the word of ÜMLAÜT!, Pete chose later in the evening on Saturday to unexpectedly bellow "ÜMLAÜT!" at random passers-by in the pub. I guess the theory behind this was that a seed is planted in said randoms' subconscious, which will germinate on seeing that our band has a gig at some unspecified venue in future. 'Hmmm... ÜMLAÜT!' they will think; 'Some curious force is compelling me to go and see them!' The other school of thought is that they might well think 'ÜMLAÜT! Oh yes, that shouty bloke. There's no way I'm going to watch those freaks'. But the proof of the pudding will be in the eating; and you'd better make sure your dentures are glued in tight, as it will be a pudding of PURE ROCK!

Also, we developed a hand signal for ÜMLAÜT! Like an epiphany, I think we each realised what the hand signal HAD TO BE at exactly the same moment. It is the rock sign, forming - as it does - a 'U' shape, and a second rock sign held at a right angle just above the 'U', to signify the umlauts. You can even wiggle your fingers, for optional dancing umlauts. Make this signal at anyone, and they will be helpless and slightly moist in the face of OVERPOWERING ROCK!

Today, we've got 'More Than A Feeling' by Boston - a true classic. This is also chosen, in part, because if we play this in the band, I can probably just about manage the solo. If we choose to play a song by, say, Extreme or Van Halen instead, I may bagsy bass duties. Also, we might let Donna join in for this one, as she could probably just about manage the hand-claps. But, then again, we might not.

 

Boston - More Than A Feeling

Keep on keeping on, Klassik Rockers! xx

Wind Of Change

Now, Classic Rock is not - I believe - particularly fashionable in the UK. But here at Classic Rock Night, we do not much care for fashion. The day you catch me chanting moronically along to The Shatellis is the day that I would urge you to put a glock to my face and pump it full of hot metal.

The problem with Classic Rock not being fashionable is that it is underexposed. Loads of Classic Rock legends still tour - but most don't come over to the UK. Most British 'music lovers' would rather go and see insipid coprophagists Razorlight than sew a 'Razor's Edge' patch on the back of their denim jackets. Why? Because they are fools!

But all is not lost. A hard-core of Classic Rock enthusiasts still lurk in the shadows, waiting for the time when The Rock will be lifted to the threads of a ripping harmonic-infused guitar solo, the respledent glow engulfing us all. I offer as proof a group of four gentlemen who came into The Goat about a fortnight ago. They ordered their beers, and conversed amongst themselves - as is customary in pubs. I overheard them reminiscing about Def Leppard's classic album 'Hysteria'. Not content to merely speak of it, they began to sing songs from said album at each other over the course of the next five minutes.

The time is right. There is change in the air. A wind of change, if you will.

So Pete and I decided to test the water last Saturday afternoon. We took a compilation of rocktacular tracks into the pub, a 'Best Of Whitesnake' CD, and another random Classic Rock CD that we found mysteriously just lying around the flat (no-one knows who it belongs to - a gift from the Gods Of Rock?). "Which shall we have first?" I asked. "What's on that CD we found?" he countered. "Well, tons of stuff. Saxon, UFO, Uli Jon Roth... Who's Uli Jon Roth?" Pete shrugged. At this moment, a tall, awkward-looking long-haired ginger standing at the end of the bar tutted; and looked at me with the kind of incredulity that a normal person might express had I said "So, what is the capital of France? Is it Belgium? What?" He then patiently informed me that Uli Jon Roth used to play guitar in The Scorpions*. For his impressive Classic Rock trivia credentials, Pete and I each issued him The Devil Sign.

Until this point, The Doors had been playing on the pub stereo, and there can't have been a dozen customers. Within three songs of putting on a Classic Rock CD, every table in the house was taken. More proof if proof be need be that the masses are screaming out for Classic Rock; albeit in a fashion so muffled as to be practically inaudible.

Anyway, you are in for an extra-special aural treat today. We have a double-bill from Teutonic titans The Scorpions*. Now, we can learn a valuable lesson from the Germans. Those guys aren't afraid to rock, and clearly don't give a fuck about what is fashionable. That The Scorpions* are still rocking - despite founder members Rudi Schenker and Klaus Meine each turning sixty next year - is testament to this. Here's a track from the latest album, 'Humanity : Hour 1'. The more hawk-eared among you will notice that they have 'inherited' that kind of sound that bands like Velvet Revolver now champion (a mere ten to fifteen years after Alice In Chains sounded like that):

Scorpions - 321

Scorpions

"Are you ready to rock?" indeed. And now let's go all the way back to 1984:

Scorpions - Rock You Like A Hurricane

Scorpions

Searing stuff, I'm sure you agree!

Rock out with your cocks** out, Rock Fans x

 

*A slapped wrist from Wikipedia for this one, who remind us that "Contrary to common usage, the band's name is 'Scorpions' and not 'The Scorpions'." - just to the left of their link to the band's official website at www.the-scorpions.com.

**Unless, of course, you are not in possession of such an appendage. In which case, y'know... Er... Just do whatever you feel like doing.

Pure Rock Heaven

How It's Done

Pete and I have decided to unleash Classic Rock Night on two pubs in the centre of town. We shall be piloting what will soon be The Best Night In Town™ in The Goat on Sunday evening (with the provisional title of 'Goatstock'). The Model will follow suit later.

Running a Classic Rock Night isn't merely a matter of playing Lynyrd Skynyrd and Sabbath records all night long. An ethos must be established. For example, what do we mean by Classic Rock? Which tracks qualify? Actually, 'qualify' rather understates the importance of the rock. What I really mean by that is 'what are the ULTIMATE Classic Rock tracks'?

We have decided to take some benchmark songs, and work backwards to establish what constitutes Classic Rock in this instance. 'Here I Go Again' by Whitesnake and 'More Than A Feeling' by Boston are indubitably the type of Classic Rock songs that will make this night the awesome powerhouse of pompous pure soft metal that it promises to be. Now, Classic Rock as we see it, can be roughly divided into two categories. The first type is blues influenced rock with a deep boogiesome groove, typified by many Led Zeppelin and Deep Purple numbers. The second is rock influenced by the urges arising from the male unit. At some point, 'cock' was injected into rock, and the world's best and most enduring knob gag was created. When we see which category our paradigm songs fall into, it seems clear that Classic Rock Night will feature a heavy dose of the latter. To wit, rock that has mainly lost the Robert Johnson influence, whilst retaining the Johnson.

The purpose of this blog is not only to keep everyone abreast of the progress of Classic Rock Night, but also to discuss important Rockosophical issues. Such as 'Who *did* first put the cock into rock?' I ventured yesterday evening that it may have been Led Zeppelin with 'Whole Lotta Love' - their not even slightly ambiguous 'I have a large penis and I intend to put it in you' classic. However, this was a moment of semi-lucidity in an otherwise nonsensical string of 7.4% cider influenced opinions and flights of fantasy, and I readily concede that it may well be wrong.

Another purpose of this blog is to preview the type of awesometacular Classic Rocking that is sure to put our night on the map. In keeping with the phallic theme, today we have:

Def Leppard - Make Love Like A Man

Never let it be said that stratospheric Sheffield rockers Def Leppard have lost touch with reality. One cannot but admire the conviction with which Joe Elliot sings about women basically needing a good dicking; seemingly with little heed given to whether said women actually desire it or not. Pete and I discussed the lyrics to this song recently, and he did concede that they sounded "a little rapey". Plus, I am not convinced that the penultimate line says "Oh, love like her like man, she's gonna feel a lot better". It really sounds more like "Looking for a man who's gonna feel like daddy"; which strikes me as particularly subwholesome. And that's speculation!

Keep Rocking, Rockers!