Ahoy Minions of Rock!
In terms of the production of actual music, the progress of ÜMLAÜT! cannot be charted. In that there has been none. However, in conceptual terms, we’ve come on in leaps and bounds.
That is to say, we’ve thought of some names for band members. The second guitarist is to be Baron Überfist. I am to be Jürgen Greysküll, and Pete is Wölfgang PümmelHammer. The forename ‘Jürgen’ is our one concession to Donna having any kind of input thus far. We are saving the best name for Tom, the singer. Being a beardy longhair, he already has the look down. We don’t want to rush into a half-baked name for him… It has to be just right.
On Saturday night, admittedly after a couple of jars of ale, Pete had a splendid idea for an album cover. A pair of breasts! With umlauts tattooed over the nipples! We gave Donna first refusal for being the model of said wabs, but she politely declined. Any hope of changing her mind was obliterated when it was suggested that the album title could be ‘written’ across the breasts in manseed.
Ok, ok – I know what you’re thinking. ‘That would be the *BEST* album cover in history!’ And you’d be right.
Although some of you might also be thinking ‘That is so far beyond tasteless and sexist that I may very well be sick out of my mouth. You – sir – are a nothing short of a monster, and are worse than the spawn of Hitler and Amy Winehouse!’ And you would also be right. But we have been run over by the fiery wheel that is Classic Rock tradition – and it crushes down on our puny frames so good! For example, observe:
"Having knives thrown at me is the least I deserve. I am, after all, scantily clad."
"Hey, what's the big deal? It's just a picture of a big, fiery balloon. No, wait... It's a cock!"
And, who could possibly forget this:
Although quite honestly, the boys from The Snake could have chosen a far more tasteless cover. You need only look upon the picture I have chosen to accompany today's track of the day to see what I mean:
This all brings me quite nicely onto the news that Def Leppard and Whitesnake are playing a bunch of gigs in the UK. Pete and myself, among others, are going to the one in Wembley Arena on the 26th of June. If you want to join us and rock mighty, you are more than welcome - provided you grow a mullet, handlebar moustache, and wear your most faded Saxon or Dokken t-shirt. Come one, come all - it will be hilarity at its zenith.
Stay beautiful, Those Who Drink From The Goblet Of Classic Rock!
